Not Gonna Lie

ready to run... kinda

I wish I could say that the run today was a success, but it definitely wasn’t. Started out great but two miles in my knee (IT band) started hurting. Not to the point where I had to stop, but just enough to really annoy and worry me. Really, two miles!? I am barely warmed up. I had only planned on doing three anyway but kinda lost track and ended up running two out and then turning around. Trying to take it extra slow, which didn’t exactly happen but I felt like I was walking. Then at mile three my Shuffle died and I had no music to finish out the run with. Not a happy camper today. I’m sure I looked like I was pissed too because everyone seemed to be giving me dirty looks. Maybe it was my bad attitude. I was ready to yell at some nasty dude too, who was walking without his shirt off (not someone who should have been), and sucking on his cigarette right in the running path where people have to run by and breath in his disgusting smoke. That’s a whole nother story and I could go off for hours on that one. Maybe another time. And yes, my hot workout outfit is complete with crappy old white T-shirt with about 20 holes in it. HOT!

No more sugar-coating everything. I think know I’ve been acting like things are a little better than they are. Really some days I just want to tell people… ‘give me a break, look what I went through the last two years!’. Most others around me, as it’s been from the beginning get to move on with their lives and don’t have to think about Cancer 24/7. I definitely got a break for a while and got to have fun, take my mind off of the hard stuff. But now events and images from this time last year have been coming back to me. And it definitely annoys me that people act as though I should be living a ‘normal’ life by now and functioning in my daily life just fine. Yeah… it’s called not being able to stay in bed all day because you actually have to live. Otherwise that’s what I’d be doing some days.

So there it is folks… tell it like it is. I bet everyone is ready for some sugar now 🙂

WORKOUT – yoga, weights, 4 miles

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2 responses

  1. kim desko

    I know you already know this, but I’m gonna say it anyway (’cause sometimes it’s harder to listen to ourselves).

    Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be feeling or that you should be ready to move on or that you should {insert any of the typical pieces of advice from well meaning people}. You feel what you feel. You are where you are. Grief is like a roller coaster – and I don’t mean the amusement park rides – there are days, sometimes weeks, you’ll be up and others you’ll be down. You could also compare it to the tides, an ebb and flow that is constantly changing. Our modern society is so cut off from the reality of life – where our food comes from as well as birth, aging, and death, that most of us are very disconnected from this reality. The pace at which we live our lives these days doesn’t really help with that, either, nor does our society’s apparent short attention span. You are grieving and there is no “right way” or set time frame for that process.

    Some days were harder than others. Some days were easier than others. Sometimes the day was measured in hours it was that hard. Sometimes it was easy enough that it was weeks instead of days. Some days the only reason I got out of bed was because the dog needed to be fed & walked; she was so patient that I couldn’t make her wait so I’d get up, put one foot in front of the other, and the day would start with all the day-to-day things that needed to happen because, really, who else was going to do it and I’d find myself catching up to me. It’s a daily choice to embrace my life, to move on. This summer, every morning from June 30th through August 19th, I would wake up remembering vividly exactly what that day was like a year ago. It’s like I’m a living memorial or testament to what Carl went through. And it’s hard to balance that with being present in my life now. It may sound twisted, but we had time to say goodbye, to talk about the worst as well as hope and plan for the best and I’m grateful for that time. I know someone who lost her husband to a heart attack in his sleep; I suspect I would not have coped as well if I was in her shoes.

    So do not let anyone tell you that you should be doing or feeling anything other than exactly what you are doing and feeling. Even if they’ve been through something similar, grief, like life, is different for each of us. Hang in there, April. Take it one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other.

    September 14, 2011 at 7:09 pm

  2. Katya Forsyth

    ”The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea” This quote made me think about you,April!:)) You’re doing the right things! Just remember we r always there for you,we r always with you,even when we r not with you. We have those moments too and it’s totally normal,it’s ok to have up and downs….remember-every tear should live its purpose, so don’t ever wipe the reason away. Love you!

    September 14, 2011 at 10:24 pm

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