If You Ever Leave Me, Baby

 I am obsessed with THIS song. I absolutely love it!! And THIS kid does an awesome job singing it. I like to think I sound like this when I am rocking out in my car… definitely not even close though. Listening to this makes me feel a little emotional. Mostly happy and reflective on life in general. With the new year approaching I’ve been thinking a lot about last year. So I started reading back through some letters that I wrote to Harvey last winter. I never thought I’d like to read them again or share them with anyone. But I’m actually a little upset that I didn’t write more because I enjoy seeing how I felt back then and how far I’ve come this past year. Just a warning… this is VERY intense… and even scares me a little re-reading it and knowing that at one point I didn’t care if I lived or died. That’s a f*cking scary thought. I was never a person who thought they would even come close to thinking that, ever! But after losing half of your heart and soul… it does some crazy shit. Now knowing life and what it truly is and means I know that it was really a gift that I’ve been given. Life has more meaning to me then it ever would have otherwise and I see and understand more than I ever thought possible. And until you’ve been through it… you wouldn’t know… it’s unexplainable. Ok… so here goes…

“January 11, 2011

 

Today is one of the first days where I woke up and didn’t have a sick feeling in my stomach. I felt pretty decent and actually wanted to be excited about the day and what I was going to accomplish. Notice I mention “wanted to be”, not “was”. It’s been over a year of worry now, not sincere worry but knowing that something was going on.  I remember being on top of the world on our anniversary last year… I just got my hair cut, Harvey gave me diamond earrings, we had a great dinner planned at the Capital Grille. But something was still lurking, something not quite right. How has been a whole year of not knowing, not knowing what was wrong and then knowing what was wrong and not knowing if my husband was going to make it to our second anniversary. Turns out he didn’t. How could this have happened in the first place, we seemed to have everything. Even though we complained about work and finances… all that mattered is that we had each other and each morning I woke up and looked over at him and felt so secure, so happy, so lucky… how is that all gone? A year ago, feels like just yesterday, even though we went through so much and yet it feels like he’s been gone for so long.

 

Dear Harv,

I love you and miss you so much. I know you know I do but I wish you would come back to me, just for a second just here on the couch, just like a Sunday afternoon. You can even watch football all day if you want, I won’t even complain! I never once took you for granted, I don’t know why you left. I know it wasn’t your fault and if you could have stayed you would have. But I know you are peaceful now and can feel only good emotions, I hope you are in St. Barts and reliving every moment of it, because you always said it was the best 10 days of your life. And I just hope I can join you soon, or that you know I am there with you. Take me with you, please…”

Like I said… intense… but, the gift. What I’ve learned this past year.

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