Endurance (not the Marathon kind)…
I kept waiting, waiting, waiting… for that moment when things just automatically get better. But it’s not like that. It’s a process. I’m very very hard on myself – normally. And especially this past year. I’m NOT the type of person to be sad, depressed, unmotivated and so on. Eating bad food, not wanting to work out, wanting to sleep all the time… not caring about my life, lah-dee-dah… the list goes on. And I think that’s why this has been so, so hard for me because this is the opposite of my personality.
But what do I expect? I look back and think about what I went through and still am shocked sometimes. Yeah I kinda wasted a year away not really doing too much and feeling sorry for myself but that’s what I needed I guess? And I’m surprised sometimes that I’m not in a mental institution or selling crack on the corner. Because don’t think that giving up completely wasn’t on my list of things to do… and hoping bad things would just happen to me and I’d just be taken away somewhere.
You can’t just snap right back and forget all the bad stuff that happened and not be sad? No, that’s not the way it works. People tell you, you should be doing this or feeling this – or make sure you do, think, mourn this or that. Or why aren’t you calling me back, hanging out, doing something productive, paying attention to this, working, school, being organized, blah blah blah. Well – Fuck them (sorry, couldn’t put it lighter than that). No one knows what you go through – except you. I did what I needed at the timing I needed it. I went out, partied, survived, forgot about things in the beginning because I needed to protect myself and I wasn’t ready to grieve (hate that word). But when I was ready, I did. And I did what I needed and what came natural. I honestly can say I was at the lowest point in my life this past year and probably the worst this winter and spring. I never want to see that place again – but I’m sure I will. That’s life. But now I have –
ENDURANCE (and not the marathon kind)
endurance [en-door-uhns, -dyoor-]
|Part of Speech:||noun|
|Definition:||bearing hardship; staying power|
|Synonyms:||ability, allowance, backbone, bearing, capacity, continuing, cool, coolness, courage, enduring, forebearance, fortitude, grit, guts, gutsiness, heart*, holding up, intestinal fortitude, mettle, moxie*, patience, perseverance, persistence, pertinacity, pluck, resignation, resistance, resolution, restraint, spunk, stamina, standing, starch, strength, submission, sufferance, suffering, tenacity, tolerance, toleration, undergoing, vitality, will, withstanding|
I almost feel … ‘safe’ now. Peaceful, without worry… because if I can get through this… the rest seems not so bad. Life isn’t easy and that’s what makes it fun, scary, and well… life. The ultimate lows in our life is what makes for the highs, and who we are when we are down and how we deal with it is what makes us who we truly are. So yeah the ‘downs’ this year and all in all probably weren’t as bad as they could have been, or I made them out to be. And I know for damn sure I’m a fucking strong person for getting out of this alive, eventually better than ever. And most importantly building up the endurance that I’ll need for the rest of my life. So bring it on Bitches!! I’m ready to start the next chapter and run this race 😉