With this little girl? A LOT!! I haven’t been blogging lately for a lot of reasons. ONE – I’m over pretending and playing things up, and writing what I want to happen instead of what actually is happening and going on. I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out and be completely honest – mostly with myself. It was a way to throw it all out there to myself and whoever else was bored enough at work to read it. I needed to talk about things yet I didn’t want to talk about them with anyone, so blogging was the best way to do that. Refreshing. Detoxifying my mind. But it slowly it stopped becoming that. It stopped being real and started becoming a facade of what or how I wanted things to be.
TWO – I’m starting and working on a new blog. Much cooler, much more exciting, creative, and with hopefully a lot better pictures and features. Coming January 2013!
THREE – I’m not running. It’s getting to the point now that the anxiety without running is building and building so badly that I can’t even think about it. Having to talk about it all day at work is hard. And hearing other people’s running victories and training is really really hard (yeah I’m a jealous little bratt.) 4 months is not a long time but feels like forever and I would give anything right now to be able to go on any run. 26.2 is going to feel so fucking sweet the next time it comes. So I need to refocus myself, and concentrate on getting healthy and getting ready to refresh and hit it hard again when the next training season comes around.
Patience, progress, … conviction?
I’m finally at the place that I need to be. Realized, and admitted some things to myself that I’d been hiding for so long. And sometimes the hardest thing to do is admit something to yourself, especially if it’s a fault. I’m at the spot now, where I can look back with no regret, no remorse, no sadness, no bitter feelings and no wondering ‘why?’. But seeing my life for what it really was and is and will be. Looking forward into the new beginning of what lies ahead. A life that I’m actually living. Stripped away are all the blinders, and excuses and fear. And that’s a lot to be able to say… Free.
I’m glad I get to talk and think about running still even though I’m not doing it. LOVE my new jobby job. It doesn’t even feel like work. And since I’m back talking about it. What better way than to plan my spring training. Seems a little soon and overdone but it gets me super excited and calm – knowing that what I’m doing now (yoga / biking / and eating healthy) is all going to a good cause. Also a good motivator.
Seeing all my miles written down give me butterflies! Can’t wait for those 16 milers, baby. 🙂
WORKOUT – 30 min elliptical, HOT yoga
Yeah that’s right. Running and I are broken up. Not a real forever break up. Just a break. So I’m free to cheat with Cycling and it won’t count. And I don’t have to think about it 24/7 and plan my future races together. And yes, I miss, miss, miss it more than anything right now. BUT when running and I get back together it will be everlasting and better than ever! And it will be a good healthy relationship and I’ll love it for what it is and what it gives me and not what it can and will be.
Seriously though. I’ve had way too many injuries the past year to not have to ‘start over’. My body needs a re-set. And I need to be patient and think about next season and not this season. Just a few months now for a long time to come…
Let the countdown begin…
WORKOUT – 30min elliptical, JM, yoga
Sexy black dress plus walking boot-cast = hot. Yeah literally. Try going to a wedding in August in Atlanta in a black dress and a boot. Not pretty, unless you think a sweaty mess is pretty – you’re call. Although I’d take this injury back over the one I have now. Much rather have a stress fracture – wear a cast for 4 weeks, rehab a bit and you’re back to running again in no time. A sprain is way worse… especially when it’s your groin and you can’t really do anything about it. Ugh.. hating this, and hopefully only needing to deal a short while longer.
WORKOUT – elliptical 1 hour, yoga (hopefully later if I can get into this new class)
Seriously… I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this myself. Running on Kelly Drive and people are passing me and I always think they can’t be running as far as I am. ‘Bitches might be fast but I bet they’re only running 5 miles – I’m running 15!’ “That’s right — suck it.”
Oh I miss these days!! They seem so, so, SO far away. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go out on a 10miler right now. I miss my #LR !!! Like I miss love, or air. Enter — drama queen.
Soon enough. And at this point I am not pressuring myself to run any races. Although I’m still keeping Philadephia Marathon open and I am talking about This and/or THIS !? Dig it. I’m a little pissed about Philly but at this point I think I should pretty much give up on it since it’s the 3rd year in a row that I won’t be able to run it now. I’m starting to see a pattern here… all the races I’ve done have been out of state – except for the dreaded Suaer Kraut (F that one).
But let’s be realistic instead of being ‘Ape’ and take our time and do this the right way. Because if done the right way I
can will come back stronger. So I’m not stressing about what marathon I am going to run next and planning out my whole winter and spring. Trust – I have ideas. But for now all I want is to be able to run again pain free and build up all that mileage. Starting off 2013 ready to rock is my main goal.
WORKOUT – elliptical 1hour, yoga
These are annoying words that no one ever likes to hear. When you are little… running around the pool and Mom yells ‘walk don’t run!’. Yeah yeah… I never listen. But considering I got myself into this mess in the first place I thought maybe I’d listen for once in my life. Since my running anxiety has been building up like crazy and I can’t wait to get out there again I thought I needed to do something. So to settle some of my cravings I decided to listen to Mom and go out for a stupid walk instead of a run.
Not bad I guess. It was nice to get outside but I had major run jealousy because everyone was out on Kelly Drive running! And biking, of course… but we know how I feel about them. 😉 Anyway… 5 miles walking takes a LOT longer than running. 1 hour and 30 mins… I could have run 10 miles. Oh well, need to start back somewhere and after the walk my hip was kinda hurting again – but not bad considering where I was just 5 weeks ago.
WORKOUT – 45minutes bike, stretches (of course), 5 mile lammo walk
Dear April – here’s your advice… follow it!
Recently I read SUAR‘s post about 10 Ways to Survive an Injury without being a Bitch. Definitely some advice I need right now because this is only the beginning and it’s only going to get harder. When you have ONE passion, ONE outlet, and ONE true love – you are a little lost when that’s taken away from you. And I know, I know… I’m being totally dramatic right now but it’s true. And add to the fact that you are in pain and it’s hard to stand up/walk etc. All makes for a bitchy Ape.
Speaking with one of my coaches this season he warned me about over-doing it, signing up for too many races etc, etc. Well… obviously he was right – so I should just go shove a marathon ran-in sweaty ass compression sock in my mouth because YES – I was wrong. He was right. However… once he found out MY STORY he did give me the ‘get out of jail free card’ and said that I probably really do NEED RUNNING in my life. True story.
But that still leaves me in this situation. One more adjustment next week and some ART and I’ll have one sesh of PT. Then apparently I can try running again in a week or two. Not really sure how that’s gonna happen when I feel like I can barely walk still. So if I can’t run and this doesn’t get better than that means MRI (and I’m avoiding that because I am scared to get bad news). If surgery is in my cards, I feel really really bad for anyone who has to be around me — for 2-3 full months.
However… there is hope on the horizon. My yoga instructor’s ex-girlfriend won the Philadelphia Marathon two years running. Yes – she was the FIRST PLACE female runner. He told me today that she had to have 4 – count them – 4 surgery’s on her inner labrum due to tearing and injury. Post surgeries she still managed to clock in a 2:40something marathon AND get into the B-class for Olympic Trials – sick!!! So there’s hope for this little bitch. And all I want to do is run again, pain freeeeeeee oh yeah and maybe BQ 😉
Sbux just thinks of everything don’t they!? A re-usable cup that you can write on. LOVE. Dry erase marker and you can write whatever you want. Like ‘drink 8 of me a-day’ or ‘please add vodka’.
So my right leg, back, knee, butt… and even a little bit of my foot are hurting bad today. ART is amazing. But you do feel like you just ran a marathon and or got beat up afterwards. It does the trick though and I’m hoping it keeps working from here on out and I start to feel a lot better after this week. My Doc went to town on me yesterday and I noticed a huge difference the second I stepped off the table. My range of motion changed in about 5 minutes – just after a few pressure point hits. It really is amazing. I’m really sore and hating him today though. And it’s only been a little over a week without running and already feels like forever. But I could go on and on about that. I need to suck it up and rest for AT LEAST another 3 weeks. Lifetime too long.
Alright so I’m a little less of a bitch today. I let things settle in. It is what it is. If surg is the worst case and that’s what I need to do to feel better and to run again, so be it. There’s nothing that I can do about it now. And that’s the absolute worst case – most likely (ie. hoping for) it to start feeling better in a few weeks and just be able to PT and Rehab back to health. I’m cool with taking off running for the rest of the summer – yes I said it. As long as I can start-up again pain-free. My body needs this rest I’m sure and I will be happy to run again with ease and a smile on my face. Instead of a pissed off frown and not enjoying it. Afterall it’s all about enjoying the run.
So anyway.. I’m seriously loving juices lately! And not the sugary gross store-bought ones. But I mean juices from a juice bar or made at home. You can pack a ton of fruits and veggies into one small glass and get some serious nutrients.
And… feeling a little new/weird. I’ve been contemplating this name change thing for a while now. Probably about a few months. If someone asked me if I’d change my name back to my maiden name last year (which, someone did). I’m pretty sure I snapped at him and said – “NO!” “Why would I!?” But it is something that just started to come natural to me. I found myself just saying and using my initials. Yes – ALW is better than ALF for initials but Forsyth is also much easier spelled, pronounced etc. Imagine yourself in an identity crisis… you are on the verge of two different lives trying to blend them together. Friends and Family who knew you with Harvey. Friends that have only known you without him. Trying to bring both worlds together all while you try to figure out who YOU are again, on your own and start your new life. So… for whatever reason this just felt really right to me. And you do take someone’s name to build a life and a family with them and when that’s no longer there the meaning seems to go away. Anyway, I don’t feel like I should have to explain myself to anyone – but I already heard questions and judgements coming up from people so needed to kind of get this off my chest.
And of course when I was at the DMV the guy who was helping me was like “Wow, you are really young to be a widow” (HATE that word!). So then I told him the quickie version of the story and he kept saying “36, wow, 36 – so young”. Maybe he was 36 – who knows. It’s nice to tell people sometimes because I feel like it gives them a little perspective on their day. The fact that you’re sweating your balls off today walking two steps into the office, or that your meeting ran late and you missed lunch, etc. etc. That all doesn’t seem so bad when you hear real life shit.
So welcome back April Wit – watch out world 😉
PS – Dad says I’m going to be famous some day so need to carry on the name. We’ll see.
That has come out of my mouth at least once a
day hour for this whole week. I normally don’t like saying that because I know my problems could be a lot worse and there are people out there who are really hurting and suffering right now. But sometimes when everything just hits you at once and you can’t catch a break – that’s all you can think. And I usually try to be positive and know things will work out because they always do, but F’ this week from hell. I just keep getting hit over and over again from little thing to major thing.
Today at the Doc – I pointed out all my pains in my hip and where I was hurting. He did some more ART, which btw is a little awkward on your groin. Luckily he is cute. Anyway… he said he was a little concerned and wanted to give me worst case scenario.
Inner Labrum Tear – you have to be fucking kidding me right now. Surgery. WTF. FML. I can’t even deal with this right now.
Let’s all take a few moments and bow our heads and say a little prayer for this girl.