#Election2012. A big FUCK. …. moving on.
Here’s some real shiznit. Posts from CB. I try to reflect and read stuff back this time every year. Puts things in perspective and it’s always good to remember, whether it’s good stuff or bad stuff. Because being REAL and experiencing BS and horrible stuff is what molds us and makes us who we are. It’s not how you are in good times… it’s how you handle the bad ones.
How was this really my life two years ago? #bestwifeaward #yourstrongerthanyouthinkyouare #lovelife #viverediscecogitamori #livelife
Written Nov 20, 2010 4:25pm
Written Nov 22, 2010 3:23pm
With this little girl? A LOT!! I haven’t been blogging lately for a lot of reasons. ONE – I’m over pretending and playing things up, and writing what I want to happen instead of what actually is happening and going on. I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out and be completely honest – mostly with myself. It was a way to throw it all out there to myself and whoever else was bored enough at work to read it. I needed to talk about things yet I didn’t want to talk about them with anyone, so blogging was the best way to do that. Refreshing. Detoxifying my mind. But it slowly it stopped becoming that. It stopped being real and started becoming a facade of what or how I wanted things to be.
TWO – I’m starting and working on a new blog. Much cooler, much more exciting, creative, and with hopefully a lot better pictures and features. Coming January 2013!
THREE – I’m not running. It’s getting to the point now that the anxiety without running is building and building so badly that I can’t even think about it. Having to talk about it all day at work is hard. And hearing other people’s running victories and training is really really hard (yeah I’m a jealous little bratt.) 4 months is not a long time but feels like forever and I would give anything right now to be able to go on any run. 26.2 is going to feel so fucking sweet the next time it comes. So I need to refocus myself, and concentrate on getting healthy and getting ready to refresh and hit it hard again when the next training season comes around.
Patience, progress, … conviction?
I’m finally at the place that I need to be. Realized, and admitted some things to myself that I’d been hiding for so long. And sometimes the hardest thing to do is admit something to yourself, especially if it’s a fault. I’m at the spot now, where I can look back with no regret, no remorse, no sadness, no bitter feelings and no wondering ‘why?’. But seeing my life for what it really was and is and will be. Looking forward into the new beginning of what lies ahead. A life that I’m actually living. Stripped away are all the blinders, and excuses and fear. And that’s a lot to be able to say… Free.
I’ve posted about this in the past but it’s super important so I’m doing it again. Plus I like this picture. ha.
On the CB site I mentioned a little bit about Heather who was one of the patients in the hospital room right next to Harvey’s. She was Harv’s age, married with two little kids. Her and Harv were going through chemo at the same time and on the same track. Harv found a donor off of the Registry BE THE MATCH – the National Bone Marrow Registry. He was lucky enough to find a 10for10 perfect match, a young male (also always better odds). So he was set to go when the transplant was ready to take place. Heather however was waiting to find a match. And it took a while… but they found one for her. Your life is literally in someone elses’ hands. Someone who may have just randomly decided to join the registry one day…
Heather’s transplant went well and she has now reached her two-year anniversary! I’m excited for her and her family. They made it through the unthinkable together. We’ve been in touch a little here and there throughout the past two years. It’s a tough situation. She feels bad for being the one who survived when Harvey didn’t. And didn’t know if I was ok with talking to her. But that’s life… the plan is out of all of our hands.
Can’t wait to see you next week, Heather!
WORKOUT – ellip 1 hour, JM
Yeah I know, but it’s good to hear once in a while. Recently someone who I went to highschool with sent me a message on Facebook. First of all, I’m starting to hate FB – I think people use it for bragging, making their lives look better than they really are and trying to make others jealous. And let’s be honest – no one cares that your kid pooped in the potty today or that you trying out a new recipe for dinner. Seriously. Anyway that’s beside the point. Someone emailed me this awesome message the other day saying that he got Harvey’s FB Page invite and started reading about Harvey and reading my blog etc. Jyst of it is he gave me some mad compliments about being strong and continuing to do good out of a bad situation. And that Harv was a damn lucky guy – true that. So, yes it’s just nice to hear these things once in a while and makes it all the more worth it.
So why not hear some more. I’ve been going through some of the Caring Bridge stuff recently just because I like to reflect on this time of year and put my life into perspective and remember the really hard parts of all of this. So here are some awesome things that people said on the CB Guestbook.
Written Nov 5, 2010 7:31am
Hey Harvey and April…I am constantly reading your updates and happened upon the journal entry that someone wrote to you in which you mentioned this is your new normal. I cannot imagine what you two are going through but I do know that we are beyond grateful that Harvey has found such an amazing person to stand by his side through all of this.
I mentioned to Lori we wanted braclets and maybe do a group order thing.
Always praying for the both of you.
Written Nov 5, 2010 9:43pm
Haven’t swung through here in awhile…. Sounds like we’re still waiting.
Apri, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Sally & Jim story! I also love reading your journal updates. You are so sweet & so hilarious!
Big Harv…. I’ve been thinking about you everyday my friend! Praying for wonderful results & hoping you get them by Monday.
Much love to you both!
DJ Franklin (Dyson)
Written Dec 23, 2010 9:02am
You never cease to amaze me. Your strength and positivity is truly remarkable! Mauro and I were so touched by Harvery’s services, it was simply beautiful, and a true tribute to the person he was.
We left the reception saying to each other how lucky we both were to experience Harvey, and how he has touched so many lives in so many ways! Thank you for keeping us all up to date with what is going on, you are the best!
Please know that we are all thinking and praying for you daily!
Written Dec 21, 2010 4:09pm
April–so great to see you and your strength throughout Harvey’s fight. You, Harvey, and your families are in my thoughts and prayers throughout the Holiday season and will be throughout the New Year.
You are amazing and your strength has taught me that you can get through anything (and to keep partying!). Stay strong and as always, let me know if there is anything I can do. Given your recent update, I am happy to help with the fundraising/memorial, etc. if you need any assistance.
It really is amazing to read back through these messages. And makes me feel a million times better about myself. Now I just need to get off my butt and get out there and start doing amazing things again.
WORKOUT – elliptical 30min, yoga
It is!? I think… you’re in there somewhere. Yep you are, thankfully. I have been discovering myself again and thankful to find that I’m still here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this good — for real, no pretending or forcing it. A really long, long time. Longer than the past year and longer than the past two. More like 3 – check it. September 2009 — and the worry creeped in from there. So yes, yes, YES… it’s been a while, my friends. Anyway… I could go on and on about that. Probably about 18 pages worth “FRONT AND BACK!” — still one of my fav scenes.
There she is. A little city, a little country, all goofy. I don’t care what anyone says. I think I’m gonna start a new trend with workout tights and cute flowy tops. Besides — who doesn’t want to be able to go right from yoga to the bar?
WORKOUT – elliptical 30mins, bike 30mins, HOT yoga
Seriously… I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this myself. Running on Kelly Drive and people are passing me and I always think they can’t be running as far as I am. ‘Bitches might be fast but I bet they’re only running 5 miles – I’m running 15!’ “That’s right — suck it.”
Oh I miss these days!! They seem so, so, SO far away. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go out on a 10miler right now. I miss my #LR !!! Like I miss love, or air. Enter — drama queen.
Soon enough. And at this point I am not pressuring myself to run any races. Although I’m still keeping Philadephia Marathon open and I am talking about This and/or THIS !? Dig it. I’m a little pissed about Philly but at this point I think I should pretty much give up on it since it’s the 3rd year in a row that I won’t be able to run it now. I’m starting to see a pattern here… all the races I’ve done have been out of state – except for the dreaded Suaer Kraut (F that one).
But let’s be realistic instead of being ‘Ape’ and take our time and do this the right way. Because if done the right way I
can will come back stronger. So I’m not stressing about what marathon I am going to run next and planning out my whole winter and spring. Trust – I have ideas. But for now all I want is to be able to run again pain free and build up all that mileage. Starting off 2013 ready to rock is my main goal.
WORKOUT – elliptical 1hour, yoga
So, as of about two weeks ago I wasn’t really sure where I was going to be moving. Cali, Mom and Dad’s, frantically finding a new apartment? I really had no idea. Throw this situation at me a few years ago and I would have been stressed beyond belief and freaking out. I actually surprised myself with how calm I was. I knew things would work out and I’d figure it out. My lease was up and I didn’t want to sign something for another year and commit when I don’t know where I’m going to be going to school. So I figured move back in with the rents (as much as I didn’t want to do this – no offense M&D), but it just made the most sense for the few months that I needed. However the Manayunk house still wasn’t rented out so literally two days before I was supposed to move I called the movers up and told them change of plans we are going to Manayunk now.
No time to really ponder this decision and even think about the possibility of what it would feel like to be back at the house again. And once I got there I got a little worried that I’d have bad feelings being back here and bad memories. But instead it feels great. I feel at home, my home. And I like it!!
Lots to do though. The carpets in the upstairs bedrooms were super old. Like – old and nasty when we moved into the house in 2007. So one night last week I decided to pull them up and see what was under them. I had always been curious if it was the original hardwood floors or not. Not gonna lie – one time I pulled up part of the corner and peaked without Harvey knowing. He told me not to because it would be a big project oops 😉
A glass of wine, a razor blade later and I had most of the carpet gone. The floors look decent and just need a few repairs. All intentions of doing this
myself recruiting Jake to come help me. Scratch that idea because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. So I called in a few floor people for estimates. And I’m thinking it’s going to look pretty good! It’s cheaper to do both rooms all at once and will add value to the house so here goes…
Painting NEEDS to be done. Same thing… the walls were a little beat up a few years ago and now are worse. So the upstairs bathroom, master and guest bedrooms are being painted… and I’m going to attempt the rest myself on a gradual basis. Meaning I’m gonna work my ass every minute until this is done. Once I get something in my head and want it – I’m doing it. Mom-mom always told me that too… she said when I want something I find a way of getting it. Conviction?
Yes! There’s the Ape attitude that we all love and miss. Thanks Col for the reminder… everyone is starting to notice I’M BACK BITCHES
Here are some pics from before.. dining room…
Living room… (no more couches)
Not the best pics… I’ll be sure to take some more detailed ones of the during/process.
WORKOUT – bike 1hour, ellip 30 mins, JM
I thought this was pretty fitting for some Wednesday motivation…. Yes, I literally just wrote up a whole post about Hump Day and having motivation for half way during the week. And how it’s great to have something fun planned for Wednesday nights to get yourself through the week. And then I realized it’s Thursday. #ihaveissues
So is this a good thing or a bad thing? I’m not counting down days til the weekend is here. I haven’t really needed to do that in a while. It’s nice to simply enjoy the day for whatever day it is. I used to hate Sunday’s now I actually look forward to them and like them. I guess all this comes from having an off work schedule. Or I just majorly need a life.
WORKOUT – yoga, bike – 1 hour, Turbo (bringin it back, baby!)
I kept waiting, waiting, waiting… for that moment when things just automatically get better. But it’s not like that. It’s a process. I’m very very hard on myself – normally. And especially this past year. I’m NOT the type of person to be sad, depressed, unmotivated and so on. Eating bad food, not wanting to work out, wanting to sleep all the time… not caring about my life, lah-dee-dah… the list goes on. And I think that’s why this has been so, so hard for me because this is the opposite of my personality.
But what do I expect? I look back and think about what I went through and still am shocked sometimes. Yeah I kinda wasted a year away not really doing too much and feeling sorry for myself but that’s what I needed I guess? And I’m surprised sometimes that I’m not in a mental institution or selling crack on the corner. Because don’t think that giving up completely wasn’t on my list of things to do… and hoping bad things would just happen to me and I’d just be taken away somewhere.
You can’t just snap right back and forget all the bad stuff that happened and not be sad? No, that’s not the way it works. People tell you, you should be doing this or feeling this – or make sure you do, think, mourn this or that. Or why aren’t you calling me back, hanging out, doing something productive, paying attention to this, working, school, being organized, blah blah blah. Well – Fuck them (sorry, couldn’t put it lighter than that). No one knows what you go through – except you. I did what I needed at the timing I needed it. I went out, partied, survived, forgot about things in the beginning because I needed to protect myself and I wasn’t ready to grieve (hate that word). But when I was ready, I did. And I did what I needed and what came natural. I honestly can say I was at the lowest point in my life this past year and probably the worst this winter and spring. I never want to see that place again – but I’m sure I will. That’s life. But now I have –
ENDURANCE (and not the marathon kind)
endurance [en-door-uhns, -dyoor-]
|Part of Speech:||noun|
|Definition:||bearing hardship; staying power|
|Synonyms:||ability, allowance, backbone, bearing, capacity, continuing, cool, coolness, courage, enduring, forebearance, fortitude, grit, guts, gutsiness, heart*, holding up, intestinal fortitude, mettle, moxie*, patience, perseverance, persistence, pertinacity, pluck, resignation, resistance, resolution, restraint, spunk, stamina, standing, starch, strength, submission, sufferance, suffering, tenacity, tolerance, toleration, undergoing, vitality, will, withstanding|
I almost feel … ‘safe’ now. Peaceful, without worry… because if I can get through this… the rest seems not so bad. Life isn’t easy and that’s what makes it fun, scary, and well… life. The ultimate lows in our life is what makes for the highs, and who we are when we are down and how we deal with it is what makes us who we truly are. So yeah the ‘downs’ this year and all in all probably weren’t as bad as they could have been, or I made them out to be. And I know for damn sure I’m a fucking strong person for getting out of this alive, eventually better than ever. And most importantly building up the endurance that I’ll need for the rest of my life. So bring it on Bitches!! I’m ready to start the next chapter and run this race 😉
It’s amazing how much better you feel after a workout!! Wow, how I have missed this. 5 weeks is a really really long time (ok, not really but it seems like it). My Monday morn couldn’t have started off better. Monday’s are tough to begin with and when the alarm clock went off at 6:30am I contemplated snoozing and just sleeping in, but my better judgement (old Ape – she’s a drill sergeant bitch when it comes to getting up early to work out) told me not to. Thank God for her making a comeback more long-awaited then Britney’s. Hopefully mine just turns out better. SO – off to the gym which I haven’t seen in forever. And busted my ass on the stairclimber for an hour. Oh sweat… how I missed you. Weights, stretches, Advil, ice and I’m feeling pretty good. Running is still a while away but for now I’m concentrating on getting back into a workout schedule slowly and with no pain and looking at September as my ‘start to run’ date.
So I really didn’t have a great pic to go along with this. I was even at my parent’s house this weekend and could have scored some funny kid ones but I was too sleepy and hungover to do anything. But found this cleaning out my paperwork… and kinda funny because I had to cut out the topless lady in the back.
Punta Cana 2006
WORKOUT – stairclimber (intervals – per Carl’s suggestion) 1 hour , weights, stretches, yoga class (hopefully later)